Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
You ready for this?
I don't think you are.
Now here is your responsibility.
In your comment, you must answer the following question: "Am I going to Hell?"
Elaboration is welcome.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Since I'm bored and a bad person
This is what happens. All it takes is a little inspiration, internet access, and Microsoft Paint.
Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
You ready for this?
I don't think you are.
Now here is your responsibility.
In your comment, you must answer the following question: "Am I going to Hell?"
Elaboration is welcome.
Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
You ready for this?
I don't think you are.
Now here is your responsibility.
In your comment, you must answer the following question: "Am I going to Hell?"
Elaboration is welcome.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Why the Rapture Is Junk Theology
I don't know why but I've been running into Rapture theory a lot lately. It all started when I found a copy of The Vanishings which is the first book of the Left Behind: The Kids series. I was bored at my job at the literacy coalition and found it on the "Free Books: Take One!" table downstairs in the library. I promptly took it upstairs, pen in hand, ready for a lulz-fest of shitty writing and junk theology. I have the book sitting in front of me and I can safely say that no page went unmarked or unchallenged in this entire tome of 143 pages. If you don't believe me just ask to borrow it. It was probably the worst book I've ever read (that says a lot since
Moving on, the reader observes several key points about the kids. They are rebellious, doubtful, critical, dishonest, etc. In other words - THEY ARE FUCKING KIDS!!! As so-called speakers of a faith which encourages its followers to have child-like attitudes, LaHaye and Jenkins sure do a bang-up job of telling all kids that they have to conform to their standards of morality and values.
Overall, the book is just shitty fiction. It's formulaic and reads like something Tom Clancy would write if he was 12. However, that is not what concerns me the most about these books. The theology it suggests as absolute truth and fact is nothing more than scaring kids to Jesus. Take this gem for instance.
As usual, Pastor Vernon Billings got off on his kick about what he called the Rapture. "Someday," he said, "Jesus will return to take his followers to heaven. Those who have received him will disappear in the time it takes to blink your eye. We will disappear right in front of disbelieving people. Won't that be a great day for us and a horrifying one for them?"
Jenkins and LaHaye 8-9, emphasis mine
After that theologically bankrupt (and terrifying, I might add) shpeel about the Rapture, the narrator goes on to describe Billings as a "kindly old pastor."
I'm not making this up, I swear to God.
Don't worry, I will be going into a theological discussion of Rapture theory and dispensational premillennialism later down the page, but I just want to focus on this passage.
WHY WOULD GOD DO ANYTHING TO SCARE ANYONE?!!!??!!?!???! I just don't understand where Jenkins and LaHaye get off saying stuff like this. It is nonsensical theology if for no other reason than God did not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). With that said, I think that Judd and his family should go to a different church and take as many people with them. If the pastor is preaching non-Biblical ideologies as absolute fact then we as Christians are to beware of them for they are wolves in sheep's clothing.
The rest of the kids have similar experiences, of course. If they didn't then the formula doesn't work correctly.
Regardless, I still can't get past the FEAR that this theology presents. I know we've all had those experiences where we get home and nobody's there, we can't find them, they don't answer their cell phones, and we automatically assume the worst: we've been left behind. Watch this video. While it's a prank (and a hilarious one at that) I think they unintentionally do more to destroy the eschatology in which they believe than to have a harmless prank. All you have to do is look at the sheer terror in this girl's eyes.
Do we really want to follow a theology that scares people? If so, we all need to move to Topeka and tell Fred Phelps that we were sorry and he's right.
As for the theology of dispensational premillennialism, I will say this. I have nothing but respect for people who have researched and come to the conclusion that they believe in it. For those of you out there who blindly follow it, I suggest you read up as much as you can on this particular eschatological idea and how it compares to other ideas in the church's history. In my opinion (which I share with the majority of Christians worldwide, I might add), dispensational premillennialist eschatology is junk theology built on a psychology of fear, a humanistic love of war and conflict, and a gross misreading of the Bible itself.
Historically the resounding eschatological theory throughout the church has either been historic premillennialism or amillennialism. Historic premillennialism teaches that Jesus is going to come back to Earth and rule in a 1000 year reign. Hence, Jesus returns pre-millennial. Amillennialism, of which I am a subscriber, holds to the belief that Jesus is already reigning over earth and we are already in a figurative "millennial kingdom." Both of these beliefs, however, share one common thread (as does postmillennialism, of which there are few if any subscribers today): JESUS HAS ONLY ONE SECOND COMING. In dispensational premillennialism, the belief is that Jesus has TWO Second Comings - the Rapture and the Glorious Appearing. This violates traditional Christian theology at its very core.
Another reason why dispensational premillennialism is junk theology is its implied anti-Semitism. Through this theology, the Jews, the people of God, the nation of Israel, His Beloved, is entirely replaced by the Church. I don't see how ANYONE can accept this belief. God says that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Coupling that with, once again, standard Christian theology that God is forever constant and unchanging, doesn't it stand to reason that He would hold His people in the same regard?
Dispensational premillennialists also like to play off society's misunderstanding of the word "apocalypse" in order to incite fear. As many people understand it, the word "apocalypse" is an event, roughly meaning "the destruction of the world." This is the one of the most dangerous fallacies in all of Christianity. "Apocalypse" is not an event. Rather it is a genre of literature that is epic in style. It isn't a foretelling of events to come but often speaks out against oppressive powers which ruled in the time it was written (here's a hint: the Revelation to John was written under Roman rule. I'm pretty sure you can put two and two together with this one). Apocalyptic literature is meant to be read within the context of the time it was written. Revelation is classic apocalyptic literature and is also very Jewish-oriented, echoing the Old Testament prophets' messages and writing styles. On that same subject, "prophecy" is another word which is misunderstood. It is not a prediction of future events; it is a warning to the people to whom it is written to change in order to prevent chaos and destruction. This is evident in the prophecy of Jonah. He proclaims the destruction of the city of Ninevah in forty days; however, the citizens of Ninevah heed the warnings of God through His prophet Jonah and the city is not destroyed!
Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah the second time, saying "Arise, go to Nin'evah, that great city, and proclaim to it the message that I tell you." . . . Jonah began to go into the city, going a day's journey. And he cried, "Yet forty days, and Nin'evah shall be overthrown!" And the people of Nin'evah believed God; they proclaimed a fast and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them to the least of them. . . . When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God repented of the evil which he had said he would do to them; and he did not do it.
Jonah 3, RSV
It should also be noted that the favorite prophet of dispensational premillennialists is Daniel. Isn't it ironic, however, that Daniel's apocalyptic text is not considered by Jews to be a book of prophecy but rather part of the collection of The Writings?
Dispensational premillennialism also has roots in one of the oldest heresies of Christianity, Gnosticism. Gnosticism presents the idea that everything material and in this world is inherently evil and we must abandon it. There are echoes of this ideology in Rapture theory, the idea that God's "true believers" will leave this earthly existence to watch the Great Tribulation unfold in Heaven's front-row seats. This escapism violates the Creation story in Genesis, however, when God created the world and saw that it was "very good" (Genesis 1:31).
Finally, my favorite argument against dispensational premillennialism is the fact that it is a complete fabrication that is less than 200 years old. The father of this movement is John Nelson Darby, a British preacher. Frankly, if there was a theological movement then I would want to trust something a bit more. . . established. Darby's ideas are a result of pick-and-choose Bible literalism that completely disregards the Bible as a whole. Because of this fact alone, I cannot subscribe to dispensational premillennialism in good conscience.
For further reading, I recommend Rossing's book The Rapture Exposed. It is a much more comprehensive critique of dispensational premillennialism than I have presented here. I have echoed a lot of her ideas in this blog post and I think that this book is one everybody should read.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
My Existence has been Validated
Today was the greatest day ever.
First reason: I bought a knife after which I've been lusting for about the past three years. I bought the Wusthof seven-inch hollow-ground Ikon Blackwood santoku knife. As soon as I got home from Williams-Sonoma I promptly test-drove it on a clove of garlic. It performed admirably, just as I knew it would. The slices of garlic were paper thin and then minced effortlessly. My only complaint about the knife is that it's really light which presented some stability issues but that was easily resolved by shifting my grip. It will take some getting used to before I'm completely comfortable with it. But, the knife kicks ass and that's all there is to it.
The second reason why this day was the best ever: Ree Drummond, Pioneer Woman, ACKNOWLEDGED MY EXISTENCE ON FACEBOOK. That's right. She posted a status and I commented and she responded directly to me BY NAME. I don't get starstruck, but holy shit. Oh, you don't believe me?
Yeah, you can suck it.
First reason: I bought a knife after which I've been lusting for about the past three years. I bought the Wusthof seven-inch hollow-ground Ikon Blackwood santoku knife. As soon as I got home from Williams-Sonoma I promptly test-drove it on a clove of garlic. It performed admirably, just as I knew it would. The slices of garlic were paper thin and then minced effortlessly. My only complaint about the knife is that it's really light which presented some stability issues but that was easily resolved by shifting my grip. It will take some getting used to before I'm completely comfortable with it. But, the knife kicks ass and that's all there is to it.
The second reason why this day was the best ever: Ree Drummond, Pioneer Woman, ACKNOWLEDGED MY EXISTENCE ON FACEBOOK. That's right. She posted a status and I commented and she responded directly to me BY NAME. I don't get starstruck, but holy shit. Oh, you don't believe me?
Yeah, you can suck it.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Remembering the 80s (Even though I Don't)
So Chris at Silence in Architecture recently proposed that we submit our Top 25 songs of the 1980s. From his Facebook note, "They can be from any genre, but they need to have been at least somewhat popular. Yeah, yeah, I love Big Black and The Wipers too, but this is not an obscurity contest. I'm talking height of MTV-era shit. Guilty pleasures. Whatever."
Beware, I took that to heart. Frankly, I'm not pretentious and I don't listen to pretentious music. I like a lot of it, but it doesn't consume my life.
With that said, here is my list of Top 25 songs of the 1980s, in order from least to most favorite.
25.) Toni Basil – “Mickey”
What can be said about this song? The sheer “pep” it had and the pounding synthesizer drumline just SCREAMS 80s, not to mention the idyllic cheerleader look, complete with the modest sweater and skimpy skirt. Counter-intuitive?
Toni Basil - Hey Mickey
Wait, did I say "idyllic?" I mean "butch." Seriously, some of those cheerleaders could probably beat me up.
24.) Rick James – “Super Freak”
Who can make a “Top 80s Music” list and not include this? Not only is it a timeless classic, but it also spurned the ubiquitous “I’m Rick James, bitch!” buzz-phrase in recent pop culture. Even though the song sucks, it’s still a fun jam-out song, an ultimate guilty pleasure that you blast in your car.
23.) The Police – “Every Breath You Take”
This song is so creepy that it’s hilarious. The utter stalkery that happens in this song because of a possessive guy goes against everything in which I believe as an enlightened feministic male – but I can’t help but love this song.
22.) Spandau Ballet – “True”
I hate this song. It is, however, quintessential 1980s because it was in every single fucking movie produced in that decade.
21.) Madonna – “Express Yourself”
It’s . . . fun. I don’t have to justify myself.
20.) Twisted Sister – “We’re Not Gonna Take It”
The 1980s hair power song which sparked revolution. Or, you know, tried to. I’ll give ‘em an A for effort in that regard.
19.) Salt-n-Pepa – “Push It”
Who wouldn’t like this song? The “dun-DA-nun-duh-dun-danunanunanun” is recognizable to everyone and therefore deserves a spot on this list. The lyrics are forgettable except for the obvious “push it, ah, PUSH IT REAL GOOD! [sic]” but the melody is timeless.
18.) Foreigner – “I Want to Know What Love Is”
You knew it was just a matter of time before I included one of the classic 80s-specific power ballads. For my choice out of this genre, I chose this song because it’s the only one to which I can listen. All of the other power ballads suck ass.
17.) Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me”
I’m a stripper at heart.
16.) Duran Duran – “Hungry Like the Wolf”
I hate everything about this song except the “Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-DO!” and you should too. Simply because of that one part of the song, it earned a spot on my list.
15.) Bonnie Tyler – “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Yet another guilty pleasure song. This is another one which you want to crank up the volume in your car, belt it at the top of your voice, and pray to God or whichever deity in which you believe that nobody that you know sees you.
14.) Bryan Adams – “Summer of ‘69”
This song breaks my heart because it tells me of everything I could have done. It sets the bar for summertime and makes me realize that I’ve squandered my summers with “working” and “going to school” and “being responsible.” Stupid maturity.
13.) Michael Jackson – “Thriller”
Anything that can get my dad up to dance is okay in my book.
12.) Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love”
Anorexic models with too much makeup and wiggling with guitars. It doesn’t get any better than this.
11.) Asia – “Heat of the Moment”
The song is apologetic and scornful at the same time. It takes talent to do that.
10.) Berlin – “Take My Breath Away”
The romantic lovesong from the movie about a bunch of shirtless, sweaty guys that high-five each other. It completed the homoeroticism of Top Gun and therefore earned a spot on my list for comedy.
9.) Ozzy Osbourne – “Crazy Train”
The guitar line kicks ass. Does there NEED to be another reason to include this?
8.) Simple Minds – “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”
If it wasn’t for this song The Breakfast Club wouldn’t have been as memorable. Therefore, I believe John Hughes owes Simple Minds a debt of gratitude, as do I. God I love that movie.
7.) Billy Idol – “White Wedding”
The perfect blend of New Wave, Power Rock, and Synth Rock. Not to mention that Idol is just dead sexy when he snarls.
See what I mean? Sexy snarl.
6.) John “Cougar” Mellencamp – “Jack and Diane”
Just a classic feel-good song. It’s fun and peppy.
5.) George Michael – “Faith”
This needs to be on my list somewhere because it’s about Jesus and Christianity *nod*.
4.) Dio – “Holy Diver”
This song is just hilarious because it’s so over-the-top. It’s unnecessarily powerful and melodramatic. It defined the 1980s as far as I’m concerned.
3.) Guns-n-Roses – “Welcome to the Jungle”
I like this song because it keeps me guessing as to the meaning of it. I try to pay attention to the lyrics but I get caught up in the guitar riffs instead. Any song that makes me lose my focus is pretty rockstar.
2.) U2 – “Where the Streets Have No Name”
Sorry Chris, but I love this song and nothing you can say will change that. I do admit that U2 sucks TODAY, but The Joshua Tree was a phenomenal album after which they should have retired.
1.) Journey – “Don’t Stop Believin’”
This is, in my mind, the most powerful song representing the stream-of-consciousness genre. There is a method to the madness and the rhyme makes any absurdity completely excusable. It is also the most lasting song of the 80s, in my opinion anyway.
Steve Perry has a Jew shnoz.
Beware, I took that to heart. Frankly, I'm not pretentious and I don't listen to pretentious music. I like a lot of it, but it doesn't consume my life.
With that said, here is my list of Top 25 songs of the 1980s, in order from least to most favorite.
25.) Toni Basil – “Mickey”
What can be said about this song? The sheer “pep” it had and the pounding synthesizer drumline just SCREAMS 80s, not to mention the idyllic cheerleader look, complete with the modest sweater and skimpy skirt. Counter-intuitive?
Toni Basil - Hey Mickey
Wait, did I say "idyllic?" I mean "butch." Seriously, some of those cheerleaders could probably beat me up.
24.) Rick James – “Super Freak”
Who can make a “Top 80s Music” list and not include this? Not only is it a timeless classic, but it also spurned the ubiquitous “I’m Rick James, bitch!” buzz-phrase in recent pop culture. Even though the song sucks, it’s still a fun jam-out song, an ultimate guilty pleasure that you blast in your car.
23.) The Police – “Every Breath You Take”
This song is so creepy that it’s hilarious. The utter stalkery that happens in this song because of a possessive guy goes against everything in which I believe as an enlightened feministic male – but I can’t help but love this song.
22.) Spandau Ballet – “True”
I hate this song. It is, however, quintessential 1980s because it was in every single fucking movie produced in that decade.
21.) Madonna – “Express Yourself”
It’s . . . fun. I don’t have to justify myself.
20.) Twisted Sister – “We’re Not Gonna Take It”
The 1980s hair power song which sparked revolution. Or, you know, tried to. I’ll give ‘em an A for effort in that regard.
19.) Salt-n-Pepa – “Push It”
Who wouldn’t like this song? The “dun-DA-nun-duh-dun-danunanunanun” is recognizable to everyone and therefore deserves a spot on this list. The lyrics are forgettable except for the obvious “push it, ah, PUSH IT REAL GOOD! [sic]” but the melody is timeless.
18.) Foreigner – “I Want to Know What Love Is”
You knew it was just a matter of time before I included one of the classic 80s-specific power ballads. For my choice out of this genre, I chose this song because it’s the only one to which I can listen. All of the other power ballads suck ass.
17.) Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me”
I’m a stripper at heart.
16.) Duran Duran – “Hungry Like the Wolf”
I hate everything about this song except the “Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-DO!” and you should too. Simply because of that one part of the song, it earned a spot on my list.
15.) Bonnie Tyler – “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Yet another guilty pleasure song. This is another one which you want to crank up the volume in your car, belt it at the top of your voice, and pray to God or whichever deity in which you believe that nobody that you know sees you.
14.) Bryan Adams – “Summer of ‘69”
This song breaks my heart because it tells me of everything I could have done. It sets the bar for summertime and makes me realize that I’ve squandered my summers with “working” and “going to school” and “being responsible.” Stupid maturity.
13.) Michael Jackson – “Thriller”
Anything that can get my dad up to dance is okay in my book.
12.) Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love”
Anorexic models with too much makeup and wiggling with guitars. It doesn’t get any better than this.
11.) Asia – “Heat of the Moment”
The song is apologetic and scornful at the same time. It takes talent to do that.
10.) Berlin – “Take My Breath Away”
The romantic lovesong from the movie about a bunch of shirtless, sweaty guys that high-five each other. It completed the homoeroticism of Top Gun and therefore earned a spot on my list for comedy.
9.) Ozzy Osbourne – “Crazy Train”
The guitar line kicks ass. Does there NEED to be another reason to include this?
8.) Simple Minds – “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”
If it wasn’t for this song The Breakfast Club wouldn’t have been as memorable. Therefore, I believe John Hughes owes Simple Minds a debt of gratitude, as do I. God I love that movie.
7.) Billy Idol – “White Wedding”
The perfect blend of New Wave, Power Rock, and Synth Rock. Not to mention that Idol is just dead sexy when he snarls.
See what I mean? Sexy snarl.
6.) John “Cougar” Mellencamp – “Jack and Diane”
Just a classic feel-good song. It’s fun and peppy.
5.) George Michael – “Faith”
This needs to be on my list somewhere because it’s about Jesus and Christianity *nod*.
4.) Dio – “Holy Diver”
This song is just hilarious because it’s so over-the-top. It’s unnecessarily powerful and melodramatic. It defined the 1980s as far as I’m concerned.
3.) Guns-n-Roses – “Welcome to the Jungle”
I like this song because it keeps me guessing as to the meaning of it. I try to pay attention to the lyrics but I get caught up in the guitar riffs instead. Any song that makes me lose my focus is pretty rockstar.
2.) U2 – “Where the Streets Have No Name”
Sorry Chris, but I love this song and nothing you can say will change that. I do admit that U2 sucks TODAY, but The Joshua Tree was a phenomenal album after which they should have retired.
1.) Journey – “Don’t Stop Believin’”
This is, in my mind, the most powerful song representing the stream-of-consciousness genre. There is a method to the madness and the rhyme makes any absurdity completely excusable. It is also the most lasting song of the 80s, in my opinion anyway.
Steve Perry has a Jew shnoz.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Domestic God - NOT "Goddess"
Last night I experimented on my family. I wanted to make a really good dinner so, in the words of Ina Garten, "I took the classics and turned up the volume." Dinner included filet mignon with a cabernet balsamic peppercorn reduction, baked potatoes, sauteed onions and mushrooms, roasted asparagus, Caesar salad, and brownie fudge sundaes for dessert. I decided to post the recipes since I'm a nice guy (and I'm bored off my ass at work. I should be reading The Awakening about a month late so that I can do my midterm for American lit., but this is obviously more important.)
Filet Mignon
-Steaks should be about 2-3 inches thick
-Per steak, season with 1 teaspoon kosher salt, 1 teaspoon cracked black pepper, a light sprinkling of garlic powder, and crush some dried rosemary over both the top and the bottom of the steak.
-Sear the steaks on a very hot grill (don't use a grill pan, that's not grilling. That's frying on a pan that gives you "grill" marks. It's cheating and Jesus will hate you if you do it. Use an outdoor grill for the love of God. Amen.) The searing process will be about two minutes on each side.
-After you've seared the steaks, drop the heat down to about 350. Put a tablespoon of butter on each steak and close the lid. The butter will chase away any sins and demons better than holy water and prayer - this is why it's important. Added bonus: your steaks will be tender, juicy, and succulent. It's also important that if you drop a stick of butter on the ground that you cut it in half and throw the halves in different directions so that your overweight and bitchy basset hound won't try to beat up your sweet, adorable, and so-old-she'll-die-anyday chocolate lab to eat the whole stick of butter; not that that happened or anything.
-Cook the steaks to desired done-ness. Just use a meat thermometer since every grill is different and some grills are easier to control the temperature and yadda yadda yadda. I personally don't like mine very rare, so I grill it to a nice medium done-ness where it's still pink inside but I'm not afraid of those meaty pathogens.
-When you pull the steaks off the grill, cover them with aluminum foil on a plate and let them rest for AT LEAST five minutes before you serve them. Juices and whatnot.
Cabernet-Balsamic-Peppercorn Reduction
-Ingredients: 1 bottle of Cabernet sauvignon, 1/3 cup of balsamic vinegar, healthy splash of Worcestershire sauce, 1 Tablespoon of fresh peppercorns (crushed, not ground), 1 minced clove of garlic (VERY fine mince - you want it small, so mince the hell out of it), 1 Tablespoon of honey (use a raw, local honey if you can - allergies are a bad thing to mess with and local honeys are made using bees who get pollen from local flowers), pinch of kosher salt.
-Throw all of the ingredients into a saucepan and crank the heat. It will simmer and reduce. Stir occasionally.
-Tip for crushing the peppercorns - put them all into a Ziploc bag and go to town with a rolling pin or meat mallet. It's therapeutic and gives you a nice stress-relief. Don't grind the pepper though. The flavor will still be there but the texture will be off.
-My method for selecting a wine with which to cook is to find a cheap bottle with a pretty label. It should work for you too.
-Pay homage to me. This is my own personal recipe that I made entirely from intuition with no guide at all. I kick ass.
Baked Potatoes
-Scrub russet potatoes really well with a scrubby sponge. You want to get all of the dirt and gross skin off. You do, however, want the skin to stay on there.
-Rinse and dry the potatoes.
-Poke holes into each potato with a fork.
-Massage each potato with an oil of your choice. I prefer extra-virgin olive oil but everyone in my family uses Crisco shortening.
-Sprinkle each potato with kosher salt.
-Put the potatoes in a 400 degree oven. Times will vary depending on the size of the potatoes. Try to get smaller potatoes that are all the same size - those will take around an hour to an hour and a half. Mine were the size of Texas and took about three hours - it was ridiculous and I hated my life.
Roasted Asparagus
-Snap the ends off each asparagus spear. Just hold the asparagus at each end and pull down - the asparagus will snap where it needs to.
-Rinse the asparagus.
-Drizzle extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper over the asparagus.
-Roll the asparagus around, thoroughly coating it in the oil, salt, and pepper.
-Roast the asparagus in a 400 degree oven for pretty much no time at all. Asparagus isn't a super-dense vegetable like potatoes or squash or carrots. It will be done in no time, half an hour at the most.
Sauteed Onions and Mushrooms
-After cleaning a package of fresh button mushrooms, even though you would like cremini mushrooms but can't get them readily because you live in backwoods, isolated Oklahoma (no, I'm not bitter at all), remove the stems and slice the heads.
-Go ahead and thinly slice one medium onion (I actually used a ginormous sweet yellow onion but would have preferred a medium sweet yellow onion).
-Put a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil in a skillet and heat over medium heat.
-Put the onions and mushrooms in the pan. DO NOT SALT IT YET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. If you put the salt in it will draw out the water in the mushrooms and onions. Since they're both mostly water, you will make a mushroom and onion soup and your veggies won't get browned.
-After your veggies are browned because you've been a faithful believer and didn't salt the veggies, NOW you can salt them. And pepper them. And throw in a clove of minced garlic for good measure.
-Heat the garlic through but don't let it burn or YOU will burn. In Hell. For eternity. Bitch.
Caesar Salad
-Get half a loaf of french bread and let it go stale out in the open.
-After it's stale, cut it into pretty chunky cubes. Put it on a half-sheet pan with extra-virgin olive oil, salt, and pepper.
-Brown it in a 350 oven.
-After it's toasted, sprinkle freshly-grated Parmesan over it. If you win at life, you'll have a wedge of Parmigiano-Reggiano. If you're like me and say "FML" way too much, then you live in a town where your grocery store sporadically carries a solid wedge of Parmesan cheese and you resort to this "fine" Sargento Parmesan Cheese. Of course, mine wasn't powdery grated, it was strip grated (I guess that's what the technique is called :-/. I could be, and probably am, wrong though). Anyway, I digress. After you sprinkled the cheese on the croutons, put it back into the oven so that the cheese will get toasty.
-Slice up a Romaine heart and put it into your salad bowl.
-Pinch of kosher salt and cracked black pepper goes over that as does another sprinkling of the Parmesan.
-Toss in your semi-homemade croutons. Knock back a booze-laden drink to complete the semi-homemade cycle. Don't make a tablescape though or I'll come by and beat the shit out of you.
-Now you can make your own Caesar dressing if you feel so inclined - I do not, however, feel so inclined. I honestly think that the store-bought stuff tastes better than the homemade stuff. Shoot me if you want to. I really like Marzetti's Supreme Caesar dressing. If you shop at Apple Market then you'll find it with the fresh produce. If you shop at another local grocery store then they'll be able to help you find it, or even order it for you! If you shop at Wal-Mart then you're just damned to Hell, so sayeth the Lord, Amen. Anyway, pour a desired amount of dressing over the salad and toss to combine. Caesar salad really does need a lot of dressing, more than your average salad.
Brownie Fudge Sundaes
-If you can't follow the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
-If you can't scoop ice cream over the brownies that you've made after following the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
-If you can't warm up hot fudge topping and then pour it over the ice cream that you've scooped over the brownies that you've made after following the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
FIN
Filet Mignon
-Steaks should be about 2-3 inches thick
-Per steak, season with 1 teaspoon kosher salt, 1 teaspoon cracked black pepper, a light sprinkling of garlic powder, and crush some dried rosemary over both the top and the bottom of the steak.
-Sear the steaks on a very hot grill (don't use a grill pan, that's not grilling. That's frying on a pan that gives you "grill" marks. It's cheating and Jesus will hate you if you do it. Use an outdoor grill for the love of God. Amen.) The searing process will be about two minutes on each side.
-After you've seared the steaks, drop the heat down to about 350. Put a tablespoon of butter on each steak and close the lid. The butter will chase away any sins and demons better than holy water and prayer - this is why it's important. Added bonus: your steaks will be tender, juicy, and succulent. It's also important that if you drop a stick of butter on the ground that you cut it in half and throw the halves in different directions so that your overweight and bitchy basset hound won't try to beat up your sweet, adorable, and so-old-she'll-die-anyday chocolate lab to eat the whole stick of butter; not that that happened or anything.
-Cook the steaks to desired done-ness. Just use a meat thermometer since every grill is different and some grills are easier to control the temperature and yadda yadda yadda. I personally don't like mine very rare, so I grill it to a nice medium done-ness where it's still pink inside but I'm not afraid of those meaty pathogens.
-When you pull the steaks off the grill, cover them with aluminum foil on a plate and let them rest for AT LEAST five minutes before you serve them. Juices and whatnot.
Cabernet-Balsamic-Peppercorn Reduction
-Ingredients: 1 bottle of Cabernet sauvignon, 1/3 cup of balsamic vinegar, healthy splash of Worcestershire sauce, 1 Tablespoon of fresh peppercorns (crushed, not ground), 1 minced clove of garlic (VERY fine mince - you want it small, so mince the hell out of it), 1 Tablespoon of honey (use a raw, local honey if you can - allergies are a bad thing to mess with and local honeys are made using bees who get pollen from local flowers), pinch of kosher salt.
-Throw all of the ingredients into a saucepan and crank the heat. It will simmer and reduce. Stir occasionally.
-Tip for crushing the peppercorns - put them all into a Ziploc bag and go to town with a rolling pin or meat mallet. It's therapeutic and gives you a nice stress-relief. Don't grind the pepper though. The flavor will still be there but the texture will be off.
-My method for selecting a wine with which to cook is to find a cheap bottle with a pretty label. It should work for you too.
-Pay homage to me. This is my own personal recipe that I made entirely from intuition with no guide at all. I kick ass.
Baked Potatoes
-Scrub russet potatoes really well with a scrubby sponge. You want to get all of the dirt and gross skin off. You do, however, want the skin to stay on there.
-Rinse and dry the potatoes.
-Poke holes into each potato with a fork.
-Massage each potato with an oil of your choice. I prefer extra-virgin olive oil but everyone in my family uses Crisco shortening.
-Sprinkle each potato with kosher salt.
-Put the potatoes in a 400 degree oven. Times will vary depending on the size of the potatoes. Try to get smaller potatoes that are all the same size - those will take around an hour to an hour and a half. Mine were the size of Texas and took about three hours - it was ridiculous and I hated my life.
Roasted Asparagus
-Snap the ends off each asparagus spear. Just hold the asparagus at each end and pull down - the asparagus will snap where it needs to.
-Rinse the asparagus.
-Drizzle extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper over the asparagus.
-Roll the asparagus around, thoroughly coating it in the oil, salt, and pepper.
-Roast the asparagus in a 400 degree oven for pretty much no time at all. Asparagus isn't a super-dense vegetable like potatoes or squash or carrots. It will be done in no time, half an hour at the most.
Sauteed Onions and Mushrooms
-After cleaning a package of fresh button mushrooms, even though you would like cremini mushrooms but can't get them readily because you live in backwoods, isolated Oklahoma (no, I'm not bitter at all), remove the stems and slice the heads.
-Go ahead and thinly slice one medium onion (I actually used a ginormous sweet yellow onion but would have preferred a medium sweet yellow onion).
-Put a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil in a skillet and heat over medium heat.
-Put the onions and mushrooms in the pan. DO NOT SALT IT YET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. If you put the salt in it will draw out the water in the mushrooms and onions. Since they're both mostly water, you will make a mushroom and onion soup and your veggies won't get browned.
-After your veggies are browned because you've been a faithful believer and didn't salt the veggies, NOW you can salt them. And pepper them. And throw in a clove of minced garlic for good measure.
-Heat the garlic through but don't let it burn or YOU will burn. In Hell. For eternity. Bitch.
Caesar Salad
-Get half a loaf of french bread and let it go stale out in the open.
-After it's stale, cut it into pretty chunky cubes. Put it on a half-sheet pan with extra-virgin olive oil, salt, and pepper.
-Brown it in a 350 oven.
-After it's toasted, sprinkle freshly-grated Parmesan over it. If you win at life, you'll have a wedge of Parmigiano-Reggiano. If you're like me and say "FML" way too much, then you live in a town where your grocery store sporadically carries a solid wedge of Parmesan cheese and you resort to this "fine" Sargento Parmesan Cheese. Of course, mine wasn't powdery grated, it was strip grated (I guess that's what the technique is called :-/. I could be, and probably am, wrong though). Anyway, I digress. After you sprinkled the cheese on the croutons, put it back into the oven so that the cheese will get toasty.
-Slice up a Romaine heart and put it into your salad bowl.
-Pinch of kosher salt and cracked black pepper goes over that as does another sprinkling of the Parmesan.
-Toss in your semi-homemade croutons. Knock back a booze-laden drink to complete the semi-homemade cycle. Don't make a tablescape though or I'll come by and beat the shit out of you.
-Now you can make your own Caesar dressing if you feel so inclined - I do not, however, feel so inclined. I honestly think that the store-bought stuff tastes better than the homemade stuff. Shoot me if you want to. I really like Marzetti's Supreme Caesar dressing. If you shop at Apple Market then you'll find it with the fresh produce. If you shop at another local grocery store then they'll be able to help you find it, or even order it for you! If you shop at Wal-Mart then you're just damned to Hell, so sayeth the Lord, Amen. Anyway, pour a desired amount of dressing over the salad and toss to combine. Caesar salad really does need a lot of dressing, more than your average salad.
Brownie Fudge Sundaes
-If you can't follow the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
-If you can't scoop ice cream over the brownies that you've made after following the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
-If you can't warm up hot fudge topping and then pour it over the ice cream that you've scooped over the brownies that you've made after following the directions on a Betty Crocker brownie mix then you deserve to die.
FIN
Monday, March 9, 2009
Ha, Called that One!
So, yeah. Remember this post from like a month ago?
Yeah. My predictions came about, just not in the way I expected.
Instead of having holy rollers from 15th and Broadway picket ECU, we have holy rollers from 15th and Broadway introducing legislation to the Oklahoma House of Representatives to officially denounce the University of Oklahoma's invitation to noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins to *gasp* TALK ABOUT EVOLUTION.
I bring you House Resolutions 1014 and 1015.
H.R. 1014
H.R. 1015
Both of these will open as RTF documents on your computer. They're safe, they're not viruses, blah blah etc. etc. etc.
See everyone? This is what happens when you elect someone to office who has no political experience whatsoever and whose only qualifications include attending a Southern Baptist church, being a former OU football player, and being an FCA bigshot. Let's let someone legislate educational policy (since he's the chair of the House Education Committee) when they have no knowledge of education (or science, for that matter).
"Anyone but Thomsen, 2010"
Yeah. My predictions came about, just not in the way I expected.
Instead of having holy rollers from 15th and Broadway picket ECU, we have holy rollers from 15th and Broadway introducing legislation to the Oklahoma House of Representatives to officially denounce the University of Oklahoma's invitation to noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins to *gasp* TALK ABOUT EVOLUTION.
I bring you House Resolutions 1014 and 1015.
H.R. 1014
H.R. 1015
Both of these will open as RTF documents on your computer. They're safe, they're not viruses, blah blah etc. etc. etc.
See everyone? This is what happens when you elect someone to office who has no political experience whatsoever and whose only qualifications include attending a Southern Baptist church, being a former OU football player, and being an FCA bigshot. Let's let someone legislate educational policy (since he's the chair of the House Education Committee) when they have no knowledge of education (or science, for that matter).
"Anyone but Thomsen, 2010"
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